Kick Ass: Selected Columns of Carl Hiaasen

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1. KICK ASS Carl Hiaasen
2. Preface
3. Acknowledgments
4. Introduction
5. Welcome to South Florida
6. Carl Hiaasens South Florida stress test Now you can figure your stress quotient October 29, 1985
7. Etiquette at a crime scene: What to wear, how to act June 20, 1986
8. The mysterious death of Claude, the sheep dog February 6, 1987
9. Pistol-packing guards shoot up sense of security February 11, 1987
10. Horse race would have sloppy track March 21, 1988
11. Just when you thought it was safe to go to the beach  …  April 6, 1988
12. Lets crow for Hialeah cockfighting April 17, 1989
13. Land snakes! Pythons seem to like it here October 11, 1989
14. Send in clowns —and book them, of course January 9, 1991
15. No peace for movie ushers who want quiet June 26, 1991
16. Miami politics a sticking point for voodooers February 20, 1992
17. Modern world puts evolution into reverse July 6, 1995
18. Give macho dogflghters real taste of action January 18, 1996
19. Dead shark nothing but a sound bite January 9, 1997
20. Corruption: Our growth industry May 3, 1998
21. Indicted? Act indignant August 23, 1998
22. Murder and Mayhem
23. Can gun laws solve Dades murder wave? July 31, 1985
24. On the beach, reality doesn take a vacation August 9, 1985
25. Appalling gore fails to daunt film audiences October 16, 1985
26. Crowd gripped by "real" crime drama April 12, 1986
27. Gunman, shot 12 times, wouldn quit August 6, 1986
28. Machine-gun shortage rattles NRA September 7, 1986
29. Miami, a city beset by gun problems? Read on! March 7, 1988
30. Legislators, we e dying for gun law April 29, 1988
31. New NRA ad misses the mark May 23, 1988
32. Shop closing may trigger gun panic March 1, 1989
33. Sad reality: Armed society means cops die April 30, 1990
34. In tourist haven, mayor sticks to guns June 27, 1990
35. Live or rerun, murder is now mainstream TV January 31, 1993
36. Great gift ideas for very young snipers-to-be December 19, 1993
37. Take pride in hometown arms maker March 26, 1995
38. TV newscasts no more violent than real life May 8, 1997
39. A war looms on gun sales June 18, 1998
40. See It like a Native
41. 700 more cops will not solve crime problem September 20, 1985
42. Dilapidated county clinic medical shame April 30, 1986
43. Despair, rage fester in housing projects July 27, 1987
44. For poorest, life only gets worse January 18, 1989
45. HRS research project is a study in folly January 29, 1990
46. Prostitutes talk of risk —and addiction May 14, 1990
47. Con artists hit the road to prey on old May 23, 1990
48. Without changes, nursing home neglect will occur December 3, 1992
49. English-only repeal won impose Spanish May 16, 1993
50. Safe parks act worthy of a vote October 27, 1996
51. Rules Are Different Here
52. Stowaways ran in pursuit of their destiny December 4, 1985
53. Mass murders haunt Mayan asking refuge June 27, 1986
54. Youve got to have a racket to get asylum January 8, 1988
55. Immigrations double standard is an outrage July 15, 1991
56. Racism adds to the pain of repatriations February 2, 1992
57. Keep goodwill afloat at sea: Sink INS piracy October 24, 1993
58. Alpha 66 threats: New theatrics by inept militants February 27, 1994
59. The other rafters suffer with silence August 21, 1994
60. Protests create anger, gridlock —not friends May 11, 1995
61. Flotilla really empty vessel of exile protest August 31, 1995
62. Immigration priorities are warped January 8, 1998
63. The War on Drugs
64. Justice deposes the ruling king of cocaine wars June 4, 1985
65. Dades latest drug fight all wet —pass it around November 5, 1985
66. Cocaine tea has bitter taste of controversy January 13, 1986
67. TV drug raids rated a G —for goofy December 5, 1986
68. From Michigan, direct to you: drug-free urine March 27, 1987
69. Yacht-pot policy makes zero sense May 11,1988
70. Drug czar would scare any pusher June 24, 1988
71. Mason jars won make roads safer February 17, 1989
72. Cops making crack makes little sense April 26, 1989
73. U.S. murder of drug lords invites chaos June 12, 1989
74. Bush fails to pay price of drug war September 5, 1989
75. BSO strikes again in battle of the bulge December 17, 1990
76. Tourist Season
77. Only a fool fails to follow these rules September 19, 1986
78. Auto trunks are no place to park bodies January 21, 1987
79. Local leaders need to foster pride, not panic July 20, 1987
80. Newsweek story glitz-wraps same old city January 20, 1988
81. Super Bowl boosters in taxi tizzy November 21, 1988
82. Sometimes, dolphins get wrong idea February 9, 1990
83. Will we end up swallowing this new tax? April 2, 1990
84. Santeria ritual not quite to tourists tastes April 5, 1991
85. Tourists: Be alert for crime Miami-style August 19, 1991
86. Tourist crime not too bad —(just ignore facts) February 28, 1993
87. Fish tales fly in face of logic, but pass em on July 22, 1993
88. Crime coverage based on how far tourist traveled January 16, 1994
89. Blacking out Channel 7 unplugs the local color June 5, 1994
90. Perfectly seasoned? Half-baked August 20, 1995
91. Forget tourists, residents need crime warning March 20, 1997
92. At Disney, its a wild, wild world April 23, 1998
93. A State of Chaos
94. Why not study the brains of top Florida officials? October 9, 1985
95. Beer and pizza for everyone, Mr. Governor June 5, 1987
96. Foul odors get worse in legislature December 12, 1990
97. Junkets show politics isn a thankless job May 1,1991
98. Senate remap effort on road to disaster April 2, 1992
99. State lobbyists may be pulled out of shadows February 18, 1993
100. Pass your law? First, pass me the stone crabs March 21, 1996
101. Dave who? Please say it isn so April 16, 1998
102. Cops, Courts, and Lawyers
103. Latest arrests close out bad year for police January I, 1986
104. River cops tell unique tales of acquiring cash January 12, 1987
105. Heres a quiz for potential federal jurors January 23, 1987
106. Mob desire backfires on longtime cop August 30, 1989
107. Spotlight on Nick Navarro becoming hot July 1, 1991
108. Personal-injury lawyers back in chase —by mail May 12, 1994
109. Judicial race is an exercise in extortion February 28, 1990
110. Judges think fast to explain needles, money June 17, 1991
111. Court Broom menu includes well-fed judge February 16, 1992
112. Borrowing lines from Brando won help judge February 4, 1993
113. Court Brooms final score warrants Lysol April 29, 1993
114. A floating jail: Flotsam of the Schreiber mind December 10, 1986
115. Mathematician needed to sort prison guidelines January 23, 1994
116. Miami: No. I destination for crooks September I, 1994
117. Death penalty should be fair, certain, swift March 27, 1997
118. Dade attorney batting zero against graft October 23, 1997
119. State haggles over the cost of stolen days April 26, 1998
120. Candidates with Convictions
121. Forget diplomacy, try Joaquin Andujar for mayor November 1, 1985
122. Local campaigns masquerade as serious politics November 2, 1987
123. A motto for Metro:The checks in the mail September 2, 1988
124. Our own Joe shines again in Miami race October 2, 1989
125. Candidates can hide true colors November 13, 1989
126. Gersten vote to test savvy of metro voters March 11, 1993
127. Ferre also owes voters an explanation April II, 1993
128. Campaigns for mayoral race, so far, so bad August 22, 1993
129. Wacko factor gives city voters a tough choice October 30, 1993
130. Hialeahs new convict-mayor government November 11, 1993
131. Hialeah vote 2: This time hide the cheating November 10, 1994
132. Older, yet not wiser, Miami deserves Carollo as mayor July 28, 1996
133. It won be hard to fill Miamis Crooked seat July 31, 1997
134. Dead men voting couldn do any worse November 30, 1997
135. Miami Voters create new kind of open election December 14, 1997
136. Strike a blow for democracy: Sell your vote January 15, 1998
137. A patriotic soul won let death cost him a vote February 8, 1998
138. Clean election? This is a job for Jimmy Carter March 5, 1998
139. Ex-Mayor lives in own x world March 26, 1998
140. Our Leaders on Parade
141. County meets for a theater of the absurd February 3, 1988
142. OB should fence off VIP seating August 10, 1988
143. Lobbyists could try semaphore May 15, 1989
144. To Dawkins, black isn always black March 16, 1990
145. This junket stinks to high heaven April 4, 1990
146. The dock, Mayor Daoud and CenTrust April 13, 1990
147. Wanted: Real job for Metro commissioner July 18, 1990
148. From pathetic to revolting, our leaders run gamut May 29, 1994
149. Homesteads sneaky deal raises hackles December 5, 1995
150. Greenpalm: A true-life tale of bugs and rats September 22, 1996
151. Take over city; commissioners won notice December I, 1996
152. Miamis fiscal crisis: Look at the bright side December 5, 1996
153. Suarezs act won play on Wall Street December 4, 1997
154. Breakthrough at City Hall August 16, 1998
155. Stormy Weather
156. Tis the season some builders get generous December 16, 1987
157. Shhhhhh! Let the inspector get his sleep June 4, 1990
158. Now, perhaps, well develop with more care August 27, 1992
159. Blustery talk about Andrew is all hot air October 18, 1992
160. Happy ending slow to come at country walk May 6, 1993
161. Slow to act? No, state was setting trap for builders July 29, 1993
162. Government can be trusted to enforce codes December 30, 1993
163. How soon we forget what these storms do June 9, 1994
164. Just the fittest will survive next hurricane August 25, 1994
165. When homes collapse, best course is court April 16, 1995
166. Novel approach: We build it, we approve it May 11, 1997
167. Cyberfraud simplifies corruption August 9, 1997
168. Storms ahead if construction bill is passed April 27, 1997
169. Tax Dollars at Work
170. Dade taking furniture flap sitting down January 27, 1986
171. Metromovers new legs would be very shaky July 2, 1986
172. Paint Rosario nattily naive, fiscally fickle February 2, 1987
173. For city execs, all work, no play pays off April 10, 1987
174. City flushes $101,000 right down the John January 19, 1992
175. Metrorail: The bigger it grows, the more it loses May 26, 1994
176. Falling down just part of the job in Miami December 19, 1996
177. Officer Romeo makes out big in sex scandal May 9, 1996
178. Bullet train would shoot state budget January 12, 1997
179. Miami ports generosity runs too deep May 22, 1997
180. Odios exit a bargain for taxpayers June 5, 1997
181. Ralph Sanchez and Other Subsidized Sports
182. City gave away park to get rid of problem February 21, 1986
183. The Indy races to put Metro in debit dust July 18, 1986
184. Track developer now charity case for Homestead August 1, 1993
185. Let Lipton thrive or fail on its own July 25, 1990
186. Parks shouldn be used to fill private coffers April 19, 1992
187. If Lipton should fall, let Avinos crew shovel it May 10, 1992
188. Metro tumbled into sand trap with golf club June 26, 1994
189. Wayne skating on thin ice of fan loyalty July 23, 1995
190. Let Broward have its arena —and the debt February 1, 1996
191. Team rebates send tax money down the drain March 16, 1997
192. Speedway lessees race to the bank April 13, 1997
193. Choked on Growth
194. If threes a crowd, what is 5 million? September 13, 1985
195. Highway opens one of last frontiers to overgrowth July 16, 1986
196. Buying a piece of Florida? See it like a native February 16, 1987
197. Maybe first Thanksgiving soured early November 24, 1989
198. Retail flops fail to stop mall frenzy February 8, 1989
199. A message to outsiders: Floridas full January 5, 1990
200. Gas-tax veto wisely brakes development May 9, 1990
201. Finally, a leader admits growth is choking state September 4, 1991
202. Guns-for-all law one way to end congestion May 20, 1993
203. Overcrowding solution: Pay folks to leave September 5, 1994
204. More crime, traffic jams? Bringem on! February 4, 1996
205. Courts message to home buyers: Trust no one April 18, 1996
206. A gift for dad who has it all in his backyard December 5, 1996
207. Our dream, our nightmare September 13, 1998
208. Vanishing Florida
209. The bombs of progress blast crater in nature August 6, 1985
210. Pristine oasis may go to waste in trash crisis November 8, 1985
211. Sewage charges latest outrage at ocean reef December 16, 1985
212. Margaritaville marshlands: Wasting away? October 27, 1986
213. Feds must save wetlands from development November 19, 1986
214. Ill-conceived landfill plan begets smoke April 6, 1990
215. Key plan shows just how low developers go February 13, 1991
216. Pipeline crisis could turn Bay into cesspool June 13, 1993
217. Revitalization a threat to Virginia Key April 3, 1997
218. Explanation for road widening quite a stretch June 15, 1997
219. The Everglades and Big Sugar
220. Tainted bass a warning for all of us March 10, 1989
221. News isn so sweet for Big Sugar March 5, 1990
222. New wetlands plan rooted in bad policy May 20, 1991
223. Glades need a hero before options dry up January 12, 1992
224. Big Sugars sly cleanup plan is dirty pool April 12, 1992
225. Future of keys rests in the fate of Florida Bay February 21, 1993
226. Douglas would trade medal for preserved Glades December 2, 1993
227. Sugar bosses fight to keep real sweet deal April 30, 1995
228. Sugar barons campaign: Not sweet but low November 10, 1996
229. Everglades National Park 50th Anniversary Homage to a magical place October 19, 1997
230. Lawmakers sell Glades down river May 7, 1998
231. Masterpiece foretold a legacy May 17, 1998
232. Wild Kingdom
233. Dateline: Big Pine Key Deer poachers tactics show true cowardice August 20, 1985
234. Manatees still hapless victims of area boaters January 8, 1986
235. A loud cry for the states wild panther Septembers, 1988
236. Watering down of rules throws sharks to wolves December 24, 1992
237. A regular at saloon, popularity killed her April 6, 1995
238. Wildlife losing their homes as we build ours December 12, 1996
239. 97 is already a mean season for wildlife May 25, 1997
240. Turtles slaying shows we need more Cousteaus June 29, 1997
241. Same old song: Greed drowns another species December 28, 1997
242. Small Victories
243. City gives kids a great reason to give thanks November 26, 1986
244. Politicians waking up to the green vote November 5, 1990
245. At last, Florida has a program worth keeping November 10, 1991
246. Proposal gives green power to the people March 14, 1993
247. If Tallahassee won do it, voters will December 11, 1994
248. Preserving bay today is good for the future May 12, 1996
249. One company had courage, fought graft October 10, 1996
250. Golden arches not welcomed in Islamorada December 9, 1997
251. Feds are right in grounding jetport project January 4, 1998
252. Bush listens to smart talk on environment February 5, 1998
253. Judge humbles Humberto August 30, 1998
254. Glades buyout has to happen November 15, 1998
255. Thats why theres a law December 13, 1998
256. Bush on track with ullet January 14, 1999